We Are Wired for Connection: A Path to Healing
Do you ever feel a deep, grinding exhaustion, a constant feeling of being "on," even when you’re physically alone? Do you find yourself striving for a kind of self-sufficiency that feels more like a heavy burden than a powerful strength?
So many of us, especially as women, have learned to “power through” our stress and anxiety on our own. For some, this comes from a deep, often unconscious belief that we have to do everything ourselves to be worthy of love, or that reaching out will only lead to a chilling disappointment. This isn't a personal failing; it's often an echo of old attachment wounds, a faint whisper from our past telling us that true connection isn’t safe.
But what if the key to finding peace and calm isn’t something you have to earn or shoulder alone? What if it's something you're already wired for?
The beautiful truth is, our nervous systems are designed for connection. Your nervous system is constantly scanning for cues of safety, and it can't find that true, deep rest in isolation. We aren't meant to do this alone; our systems settle in the presence of safe others. Your sense of calm is profoundly influenced by the people around you, and your ability to heal is a collective journey. This is a biological fact, not just a soft-focus idea.
I recently got home from a long, overstimulating professional development training in California. I was buzzing with content and fatigued until my 4-year-old son ran up and wrapped his arms around me. As I held him close, I felt my own body soften, the frantic energy began to melt away, and a deep, calming breath escaped my lips. I could hear his tiny voice muffled against my chest and feel his small body squeezing mine. That was co-regulation.
A recent client from Grace & Emerge Recovery was struggling with severe anxiety, often stemming from an early feeling of not being seen or heard. She started a simple routine with a close girlfriend. They would go out and lie on towels, feeling the Texas sun basking on their skin, without much talk. As my client beautifully put it, “We literally were just being—laid out on towels taking in each other’s presence and allowing our systems to be at rest.” This quiet, shared presence became a powerful tool she used weekly as it significantly decreased her anxiety. She was finally experiencing a connection that felt safe and nurturing, allowing her to heal those old wounds.
So, why does this matter to you? Because you might be carrying a weight you weren't meant to carry alone. You might be pushing yourself in ways that are activating your stress response and draining your energy. You might be longing for a deeper sense of connection and peace, and that longing is your body’s wisdom guiding you toward what you truly need.
What if you could learn to listen to the language of your nervous system and intentionally cultivate relationships that feel like a sanctuary? This is about reclaiming your right to connection, not as a weakness, but as a superpower.
What is Co-Regulation?
You've heard me talk about co-regulation, but what exactly is it? Simply put, co-regulation is the way two or more nervous systems communicate and influence each other to create a state of calm. Picture it like a biological “syncing up” process. It’s what happens when you’re with a friend or partner who is calm and present, and you feel your own shoulders drop and your breath deepen without even trying.
The science behind this comes from the Polyvagal Theory, which explains that our autonomic nervous system has three main states:
- Ventral Vagal (Safety & Connection): This is your ideal state—you feel safe, relaxed, and connected to others. This is the goal of co-regulation.
- Sympathetic (Fight-or-Flight): This is the high-stress state where you feel anxious, overwhelmed, or ready to defend yourself.
- Dorsal Vagal (Freeze): This is a state of shutdown, where you might feel numb, disconnected, or completely exhausted.
Co-regulation helps us gently move from those stressed-out states back into the safe and connected ventral vagal state. It’s the biological antidote to the feeling that you have to "do it all" on your own. As Interpersonal Neurobiologist Dan Siegel so eloquently puts it, “The self of you is equally a we.” This isn't about being codependent; it's about being interdependent. It’s about recognizing that our biology is wired for connection.
How to Practice Co-Regulation: A Simple Exercise
You can practice this skill even when you're physically alone.
Step 1: Find Your "Safe Other"
First, take a moment to bring to mind a woman in your life who makes you feel safe and calm. This could be a friend, a sister, a mother, a mentor, or a cherished memory of someone. When you think of her, you feel a sense of warmth and peace wash over you. Enhance the visualization and feelings of this picture, see if you can associate into the picture, seeing it through your own eyes expanding all the details.
Step 2: The Co-regulation Practice
-Get into a comfortable position. Settle into your chair, plant your feet on the floor, and uncross your arms and legs.
-Take a slow, deep breath. Inhale through your nose for a count of four, and exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of six.
-Imagine your "Safe Other" is with you in this moment. Visualize her sitting beside you. Feel her calming presence. Hear her gentle voice.
-Borrow her calm. As you continue to breathe, imagine that you are borrowing a sense of her calm and peaceful energy. With each inhale, you're taking in that feeling of safety. With each exhale, you're releasing the tension and anxiety you're holding onto.
-Notice the subtle shifts. Pay attention to your body. Is the tightness in your chest softening? Is your jaw relaxing? Is your breath getting deeper and more even?
This is a fundamental co-regulation practice. It's a way of consciously inviting a sense of safety into your nervous system, even when you're physically alone. The more you do this, the more your nervous system will learn that it is possible to find calm.
At Grace & Emerge Recovery we teach you how to have the power to influence your nervous system. You are not a victim of your stress; you can actively create a state of peace. You can begin to heal those old attachment wounds by giving yourself the gift of safe connection.
This isn't a technique for one-time use; it's a practice to weave into your daily life. Before a stressful meeting or conversation, take a moment to do this visualization exercise. When you feel overwhelmed, take 60 seconds to connect with the feeling of your "safe other" to ground yourself. When you're with a friend, a sister, or a partner, try simply sitting in silence and breathing together. Notice how your nervous systems naturally sync up.
What if you could build a network of women who are consciously committed to being "safe others" for each other, creating a space where old wounds can finally begin to heal?
What if you could move from a state of constant survival to a state of thriving, simply by honoring your body's need for connection?
What if you could become a beacon of calm for your family, creating a ripple effect of peace in your own home?
The power is in your hands. This is not just a theory; it's an invitation to heal, connect, and live a life rooted in genuine calm.
